Workaholism: Hazards and Benefits

I start a new job a week from today and know what a struggle it will be not to overdo it. I know, as part of my workaholism, that I think I have value only when I do more work than anyone else, and better work than is ever called for. I also know that for most of my life, I've lived for those crumbs of approval that people gave me for doing a good job, while feeling empty inside, because nothing and no one knew or validated the real me.

I've been working particularly hard on this the last year, since I almost ruined my health on my last job. (18-hour days, working every weekend, etc.) I started to notice that people were either puzzled by or indifferent to my "sacrifices". Well, phooey on all that. I've made some real friends since then, and I don't want to lose them to neglect as I always have done in the past. I'm getting along better with my immediate family than I ever have, and don't want to lose that, either.

I went to a ton of doctors, found out all the things that have gone wrong through neglecting myself, changed what I could (lost 30 pounds), and have accepted the rest, and try to eat a salad every day and take walks when I'm restless. Most importantly, though, I had to realize that my parents didn't have the "nurturing gene", as I call it. Not through malice, but through ignorance or perhaps fatigue, as they themselves worked long and hard to support 4 kids. So I know I was not given much in the way of attention, affection, or 'strokes' unless I did a chore or brought home a great report card or did something like make dinner that made their lives easier.

I learned to empathize with them in order to feel needed and appreciated. Not surprisingly, I married someone who needed a lot of attention, as well. His issues became mine. Finally (hopefully not too late) I'm starting to nurture myself. For 40 years I wanted to go to an art class, and didn't. It was like it was too selfish, or forbidden fruit somehow. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was actually a little afraid of it. Who knows why?

I finally signed up for a pottery class this fall and, after a shaky start, started going regularly. Now I wonder why I deprived myself of this simple pleasure all these years. I discovered a dance studio near the new job, and I'm going to sign up for a class there one night a week to insure that I'm forced to have another interest and leave work on time that night. I don't care if it's tap dancing or belly dancing, I want to experience the joy of moving my body through space to music. It makes me smile just to think of it.

I also rejected the offer of staying in a Holiday Inn while working out of town, and instead found a Hilton Homewood Suites where I can settle in, make a nest, and live like a human being instead of a temporary visitor. I did this for me, and I'm proud that I took care of myself instead of accepting something less. Sometimes I imagine what a life I could have had with all of those hours I've given away. I hope it's not too late to begin now. Perhaps it's true: "It's never too late to be what you might have been."

I sure hope so.

Watch me dance!

Jennifer Blair is a recovering workaholic who still takes it one day at a time. She's speaking at the Time for Me retreat in VA in March of 2009: http://www.NoTimeForMe.net